It came as absolutely no surprise when the news broke that ESPN had decided to make a change in their Monday Night Football booth by reassigning Joe Tessitore and Booger McFarland. The franchise has been about as well managed as if the New York Knicks and the DCEU partnered on a project.
Since inheriting the preeminent television football franchise from ABC over 14 years ago, there have been two great broadcast teams, Al Michaels-John Madden and Mike Tirico-John Gruden. That’s it. The rest have been revolving doors of talking heads and former athletes.
So what does the Worldwide Leader in Sports need to do to rectify the situation? Well, funny you should ask.
I have a solution for the powers that be at the Mothership. Give us a booth that features Dave Pasch, Ron Wolfley, and Bill Walton. Sure, it’s unorthodox, but then again, so is everything else in 2020 so why not just get a little weirder?
What would a broadcast sound like with this trio? Come with me and you’ll see a football world of pure imagination...
Dave Pasch: So the first offensive drive of the season for the Pittsburgh Steelers begins here on Monday Night Football.
Roethlisberger under center. He drops back to pass, looks left. He’s under pressure. Goes deep down the sideline to JuJu Smith Schuster who is double covered and it’s caught for 25 yards and the first down.
Ron Wolfley: David and William, that was an artist at work there. Rothlisberger just showed that he’s dedicated to his craft, a true warrior after missing so much time last year. On his first pass he proved he can still throw a Twinkie into a toaster from 30 yards away.
Bill Walton: Wolf … did you know I was once raised by a pack of wolves as a young boy? They’re actually how I got into the greatest university UCLA ... but I digress. Wolf, I once ate an entire box of Twinkies after a Grateful Dead concert. They’re great for munchies but you know what’s even more magnificent about the golden cakes from the Gods Ron? They’re dirt cheap.
Wolf: Did you say dirt, my not so young CRUNK brother? Do you know what it’s like to line up with your bloody knuckle in the dirt that is the gridiron and tap into the rage tree as a linebacker comes flying at your quarterback’s blindside? Do you know what it’s like to take a hit that rattles your teeth to protect your QB?
Walton: Take a hit that rattles your teeth you say? I once took the greatest hit that western civilization has ever seen. I was with the Peyote Way Church of God and I took a hit of what I can only imagine was peyote laced with LSD. Not only did it rattle my teeth but I then hallucinated that they came out of my mouth and gave me a lecture like the great John Wooden about proper dental hygiene. I woke up three days later feeling like I had camped out in a glorious blender.
Wolf: Bill, sometimes you're the shish and sometimes you're the kabob. That time it sounded like you were the kabob. My friends over at Paradise Ridge Dentistry could have helped you out.
But gather around and press your ears to the transistor, Basinonians and Americans…
Pasch: Ron we’re on television and not the r…
Wolf: HAVE YOU EVER TAPPED INTO THE RAGE TREE?!? Looked into the darkness of another man’s soul and done what it takes to get that inch between winning and losing?
[Cut to Dave Pasch in the corner, headset pushed to the top of his head with his hands on his face in disbelief looking like a cross between Dr. Fauci in the background of a presidential press conference, and Edward Munich’s The Scream.]
Walton: I once tapped a maple tree after smoking some of the most amazing grass in Vermont with Ben of Ben and Jerry’s. Little known fact, the most amazing thing happened on that trip. We were listening to the Dead with each other on Ben’s 8-track tape and our souls connected and that’s when we came up with the idea for Cherry Garcia. We had a pint of vanilla ice cream, some chocolate and cherries. We mixed them together and after one taste we knew we had the best ice cream mankind had ever seen…
Pasch: And that brings us to the end of the first quarter here in the Meadowlands with the Giants leading 24-21 in a high scoring affair. You’re watching Monday Night Football on ESPN.
2020, a year that has given us a pandemic, Love is Blind, and Murder Hornets, owes us this trio. Then again, with the way things are going, we should just brace ourselves for Stephen A.Smith screaming at Max Kellerman through four quarters of football in what ESPN will dub First Down Take.
